*** DISCLAIMER *** – This post is not about anyone in particular. I am not writing it about anyone, I am not conjecturing anything about anyone, it is about no one in particular and is merely a comment on cyberpsychology and it’s application in modern day life.
Recently I met a girl. She told me from the outset that she was “a bit of a stalker”. A couple of weeks ago I met another girl. Her stalking abilities weren’t a topic discussed but following the usual “add me on everything” she asked me extremely candid questions about parts of my life that I have mentioned on social media, but not gone into much detail on. Suddenly for some reason, everyone I seem to meet is either a self confessed stalker, or is a stalker without realising it. What seems even more odd is that this sort of behaviour is somehow seen as ok and justified today.
Me at a football match indulging in the holy grail of vanity, the "selfie"
I am an exceptionally vain person. It’s not about weakness or insecurity but rather the opposite. I like the way I look. I like the sound of my own voice. I like the way I look on video. I like me. This, manifests itself in a way that makes me deeply self centred. In this day and age though, what massively exacerbates someone being self obsessed is social media. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, all sorts all designed for us to connect with people socially but all inevitably being used as tools of self promotion. It is always best kept updated as it is something we usually like to show off to others. It’s like a digital log of our lives from the moment we first sign up to it.
Mobile phones have, for most of us, replaced face to face communication. Everything from messages to friends, to one’s calendar, to, well, everything, can be found on a mobile phone. I always have a secure lock on mine because it is that important. I don’t think I could live without it and it is home to an absolute mine of information, some of it highly confidential, such as bank details.
With all this information out and available to those who ask for it, a curiosity has befallen us that, in my opinion, borders on the crazy.
I know that whenever I upload to Facebook, certain people read it. Some people go out of there way to read it. Some people follow, even obsess over everything that someone puts up. I find that quite comforting. It’s nice to have that influence on people but I think it also says something darker about human psychology.
Facebook started out as a “Friends Reunited” kind of website where those who signed up to it could keep in contact with college and school friends. Most of us have it linked in with our phones and it is a hugely useful tool of communication but the dynamic has warped, a lot.
Think back to the last time you added someone on Facebook, or more appropriately, added someone you liked, or fancied. I don’t know you, but I’m guessing you didn’t just click “accept” on the friend request and leave it at that. I’d place money on it that you clicked on their profile. I’d also guess that you had a peruse through their photos, and probably a lengthy one at that. I’d be tempted to suggest that you looked at their “about” page as well. This may seem extensive, but it is actually par for the course.
The last girlfriend that I met pre-Facebook was in 2003. At the start of the relationship we went to visit various relatives and the photo albums came out and we’d share those memories. Also, we’d talk about what I had done in life, what I intended to do and so on. This mass peruse of Facebook isn’t actually stalking. I’m sure if the person didn’t want to share that information they wouldn’t and showing all of one’s photo’s is just the technological evolution of what we’d do at that first Sunday lunch with our relatives anyway. Right?
Well, this is where it takes a darker turn. Away from Facebook when did you go and look at their Twitter, their YouTube, their Tumblr or googling their name in order to find out as much as you can about them? See, Facebook brings out the egotist in all of us, and that information is volunteered, but to try and scoop out information that isn’t? That for me borders on the creepy. As would obsessing over the Facebook page.
An example of this is the girl that I met recently. She’s a farm girl and doesn’t really like social networks, partly because she “doesn’t have time for such nonsense” and partly because social networking and sharing that much information publicly “deeply unsettles” her. She wants to start coming out with high end organic produce and realises that she needs to develop a brand around that. I turned her to Twitter and she gets on fine with it. She looks at others who have done similar things and has built up a solid core of followers. The other day though she brought up an incident. Something that happened several years ago. I asked her how she knew about it and she said “I was going back through your Twitter and…” she paused and put her hand to her face before continuing “Oh my God, I’ve become one of “them” haven’t I?” I nodded. Needless to say she now exercises a lot more discipline on Twitter.
With each new medium we find out more and more until we reach the holy grail of anyone’s life. Their mobile phone. According to mobilephonechecker.com 62% of men and 34% of women have admitted (that being the key word) to checking their partner’s mobile phone. I’m with the majority of men. I’ve done so. I’m not proud to admit that I have, but I have. I think in truth the actual proportion is far higher but people are ashamed to admit it.
Here’s the thing. If we described these activities to anyone or ourselves ten years ago, they could be seen as nothing other than being a stalker or being creepy. If ourselves from ten years ago heard that we checked our partners phone, perused their Facebook and social media, googled our partners names, we would probably think that within ten years we’d all become paranoid to the point of insanity and that such behaviour is really unhealthy. I believe the internet has turned us all into stalkers, but I also believe that it is acceptable, or at least not as unacceptable as it once was, because everybody does it.
I will however leave you with two cautionary tales. That girl I met back in 2003? I used to check her phone, and her Facebook, and any other information I could get my hands on. This was the case for years. I was utterly consumed by jealousy and the belief that she’d be cheating on me. I never found any evidence of it, but that led me only to believe that she was good at hiding it, or that I wasn’t looking hard enough or in the right place. This persisted for months. Every time my snooping didn’t turn anything up, I’d be determined to look again which led to a spiral of jealousy which ultimately drove her into the arms of another man. It was suffocating and exhausting. I know how she must have felt as I was in exactly the same situation, with roles reversed, a few months ago. Another would be of a friend who picked up her boyfriend’s phone and found out, straight away, that he was cheating. It broke her heart. It’s a Catch 22. By the end of the snooping you’ll end up either more jealous or utterly heartbroken.
Something to bear in mind there when you get the urge to stalk.
Benjamin Barton v2.0 